Lipstick on Paper

The Relationship's "Blue Valentine" Moment

2011-01-26T08:10:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've given much thought about love and relationships. That's probably because my other love affair with food and travel have occupied my days for the entire holiday season up until New Year's. I'm not complaining and neither is J since he gets to reap the benefits of our "dinner dates" in an effort to save money for our wedding.

To help us get back into a "relationships" state of mind, I had been pleading with J to watch the film Blue Valentine with me for the past few weeks. I met a staff member who works for the Sundance Film Festival and this was one of the top films that got some buzz. It was also a bonus for me that Ryan Gosling is one of the leads, opposite Michelle Williams. [Potential spoiler below]

For those who aren't fanatics who like to read reviews a la Rotten Tomatoes prior to watching the movie (guilty, here), you should know that it's not your typical feel-good love story. Just so you know what you're getting yourself into. It's raw, emotional, at times touchingly innocent, but the overall tone is depressing and somewhat foreboding. I knew it was a story of how a love and marriage crumbles and it was probably the worst idea ever to drag my fiance to watch this cinematic destruction as some sort of ominous warning.

Anyone who loves a good train wreck will stop to watch anyways. My best friend must have felt the same way because she took her husband to watch the movie the week before I saw it. I went to bed and read a text from her stating: "Warning: Watching Blue Valentine might cause fights with significant other during dinner."

Alas, the train wreck was too hard to resist. While this was likely the anti-thesis to my First Dates Project idea (more like a date deflate), I felt compelled to see whether I'd pick up glimpses of myself or J in the characters and their very-real slice of life scenes. Would we see what could be in store for us, as well?

The film portrayed two very different couples and lives. The first couple, the young Cindy and Dean, were in love and idealistic. They married young and checklist prerequisites like social status and an education didn't matter. The second couple, the older Cindy and Dean six years later, were tired, emotionally and sexually repressed, and either out of love or desperately clinging on to love. It's gritty and real, even more so when the film juxtaposes their relationship from both extremes. One scene they're in their teens and deliriously happy while dancing in the streets, and the next instant, it flashes to the present day and they're haggard and arguing over feeding their daughter oatmeal. The future of marriage, as Blue Valentine portrays it, looks pretty damn awful.

I wanted to love the movie and gain some sort of relationship insight, but it left me feeling empty and somewhat dissatisfied. My tissue pack remained untouched and J looked thoroughly unimpressed.

"I thought it was okay..." I start off unconvincingly as we walk in the parking lot towards our car.

"I didn't like it," J says.

"Well, the acting was great," I start over, trying to make sense of it in my head. And it was. "Maybe the script wasn't well developed." After all, I had to defend my movie choice and the 88% movie rating.

J shrugs and says, "Eh. That could have been a rental."

"Fine, why didn't you like it?" I counter. A flash of my best friend's warning text comes to mind. He's quiet. I realize it's probably why I didn't like the movie and I feel a twinge of irrational worry. "Do you think we could be like that?"

"I didn't like it because the movie doesn't really show us how their marriage ended, or why it ended. It just shows them at the beginning and the end. There has to be something in between for the relationship to just not work," J says thoughtfully.

A beat later.

"And no, I don't think we will be like that."

"But how do you know? How can anybody know that?" I cry, more of a rhetorical question than a direct interrogation.

I didn't love the movie, but it did represent a few of the fears that I have about marriage and lifetime commitments. The truth is, nobody can be 100% certain of how they'll feel in the future; people can only be sure of the present. I know that when people say their vows, they are 100% sure in the moment of that promise. I also know that years down the road, when divorce and break-ups happen, those same people are also 100% sure of moving on with their lives. Both J and my parents, and 50% of other divorced couples are a testament to that point. That's the scary thing about people - their emotions and thoughts are constantly changing. I'm fearful that one day, J and I might face our own "Blue Valentine" episode in our relationship - the point when the relationship changes for the worst because the people in it have changed.

I think the key thing to combat that fear is having a sense of control and choice in the relationship. What the movie left out was the crucial part, the "in-between" piece that could have changed everything for Cindy and Dean. That's where the real changes can happen in a relationship - not the beginning lovey dovey stage, nor the tired worn-out battle stage at the end, but in the relationship as it's happening right then and there. Maybe it's being the first to say sorry every now and then, or ensuring that you both won't go to bed angry at night, or taking the time to say "I love you" and mean it. It's usually these small gestures that go a long way into preventing the monsters from building up inside.

A strong relationship can't end overnight, but a strong commitment to each other everyday in the relationship might be what saves it. I can't say or make J say "We will never become like that" because it really can happen to anyone. But what we both can say with certainty is that we'll be equally vigilant to make sure we won't let it lead down that path. That's an effort that takes two equally committed people and I'm willing to risk that effort as he is, too.

The 7th Mile

2010-11-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

It’s the week of our 7th year anniversary and I’m trying to recall all of the different places we’ve celebrated it in previous years. Davis, Reno, Las Vegas, Los Angeles… And as any semi-competitive person in a relationship can attest, also figuring a way to one-up the previous years. It’s the challenge I give myself, whether it be anniversaries, birthdays, and New Year celebrations: How do I make this year better than the previous year?

The Answer: I can’t. The truth is, I have no control over how a year will pan out. Nobody does. A year is a great one or a really dismal one based on the series of events and milestones that occur during that time. Last year when we celebrated our 6th year anniversary, we had just gotten engaged and moved into our condo together. Year 6 was amazing – as huge a milestone for our relationship as it was the first year we got together. That was a happening that I didn’t plot or control. And now that I think about it, it never would have happened if Years 2 – 5 didn’t suffer and put in the brunt work to help contribute to a happier Year 6.

And perhaps it’s not even the year in and of itself that makes the anniversary special, but the series of events and years leading up to it. The act of even achieving it. Every successful year that passes is a testament and marker to our relationship as a whole – a public statement that shows “Yes, we made it this far and we’re aiming for yet another year to reach together.” When I was training for the half-marathon last year, I couldn’t measure my success by whether or not I completed the entire race.

I had to start by celebrating the mile by mile achievements – my first 3 miles, then 4, then 5, until I saw myself running my first ever 13 miles. But during that time of training, every mile past mile 4 and up until the end was a true “milestone” for me.

I like to measure my relationship with J by the same standard. With our partners, every year that passes is its own mile-moment worth celebrating. That’s another 365 days of learning how to work and compromise with another person, gaining a deeper understanding of each others’ nuanced personalities, and giving our partners’ room to change and grow as we do the same. Every one of those days will look different as you continue to progress in this race. While I can’t guarantee whether the year will turn out to be a great one or a difficult one, I’m still proud of us for reaching this moment. Even with the upcoming wedding and a million distractions coming our way during this busy year, we’re taking the time to celebrate this 7th year mini-victory – one of many, many to come in this relationship marathon.

Good thing I built up my mental endurance.

{Photobooth Pauline & J, circa 2004}

First Dates Project Idea #55: Ziplining

2010-10-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

{or}

How to face your fears, while celebrating your partner's birthday

August and September were incredibly busy months of celebrations, food, and music festivals. My birthday and J's birthday are a week apart in late August, which guarantees that we party all month into early September.

For J's birthday, I wanted to surprise him with a fun and memorable experience instead of buying him a gift. For the couples in long-term relationships, I'm sure you can empathize that gift-giving for your sweetie gets MORE challenging over time. Every year raises the bar to get a better and more unique, thoughtful gift. Somewhere between our 3rd and 4th year together, I realized the win-win outcome of an "experience" gift - a gift we both get to join in on the fun together! This sort of gift is admittedly slightly selfish under the guise of pure thoughtfulness; all the more reason to love this gift-giving strategy.

Ziplining was number 55 on our First Dates list, and also one of the activities that I've heard J mention quite a few times this year. When a friend of mine was traveling to Costa Rica, he had exclaimed how great it would be to zipline through the thick rainforest. A few months ago, San Francisco had free ziplining at the Justin Herman Plaza along the Embarcadero. On his day off, J grabbed a friend to stand in line only to discover that all of the free passes were already gone by the early morning. As the observant fiance, I noted these happenings and decided to plan a surprise date for us to drive to Moaning Caverns for his birthday. We picked up a couple of his friends along the way and drove nearly 2 1/2 hours to the site.

I admit I was scared, especially when I saw the large sign declaring 1500 foot ziplines, as we signed off on the liability waivers (where I noticed the words "possible risk of death" in fine print), and as we donned heavy harnesses, buckles, and a clunky helmet.

"How often do you guys check the ropes?" I asked the staff member, hearing my voice rise in pitch. I was in between anxiety, fear, and something that felt like nausea.

He scratched his chin and nonchalantly answered "About every three months or so." Upon seeing my look of terror, he laughed heartily and then looked me dead in the eye and said more seriously "Every day, miss. We check the ropes everyday."

A dirty rickety jeep took us to the Tower, where we crossed an old wooden bridge to our station. I squeezed J's hand and asked if he was nervous. He smiled faintly at me and slightly nodded his head.

At the Tower, which slightly swayed under the wind, I was disappointed to find that they closed off the companion zip line. From the website, I read that two people could zipline side by side, which was what I wanted to do with J. That meant only one person could go at a time and with my fear of heights, I wasn't about to be that first person.

When the staff member, who looked like he was 18, asked who would be the first to go, no one from our group volunteered as we warily eyed the precariously thin rope. I pushed J forward and blurted out "He is! It's his birthday!" He shot me a look as if to say "Thanks for throwing me under the bus." I guess fear wins over love in this scenario.

I had a knot in my stomach as I watched the worker harness J into the rope and coach him on the proper form prior to departure. If the rope snaps and something happens, it will all be my fault! Who thought of ziplining anyway? Why couldn't I have just taken him out to a nice dinner instead? I thought to myself as I screamed and hollered watching him quickly zip down past the trees until he became a tiny speck on the horizon. Those thoughts disappeared when it was my turn to go, which turned from fear for J into fear for myself. However, the moment I zoomed down from the Tower, whizzing past trees, my anxiety was immediately lifted. The rope and the harness felt surprisingly secure, so I felt comfortable stretching out my arms. It's a fast, thrilling, and fun ride all the way down - I felt like I was flying and speeding through a time portal.

The best part of this mini-adventure? Seeing J waiting for me at the Arrival station with a huge grin, waving his arms, and cheering loudly for me as I landed. We both laughed at how scared we were, only to realize that it was really fun and goes by quickly. That's the funny thing about fear - once you face it, it's usually never as scary in real life as it is in your head. In a big hug, J thanked me for a memorable and adrenaline-filled birthday. And then we kissed, funny helmets and all.

The First Dates Project

2010-08-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

After months of living together and careful observation of potential "lazy" behavior, I decide to take initiative in preventing J and myself from reaching the Relationship Comfort Zone.

I propose my idea to J one night, as we snuggled into bed.

P: Babe, remember how we talked about ways we can go out more and try new things?
J: Uh-huh...
P: I have an idea on how we can keep our relationship fresh and exciting.
J [curious]: What?
P: What if we create a long list of date ideas - anything and everything that we both like? You know those times when we say "We should go try that restaurant in the City" or "Hey, cherry picking sounds fun, we should do it some day?" All of those "we should" or "some day" ideas need to go on the list! And the next time we have zero plans and free time, we'll pick something from the list. What do you think?
J: Is this going to include your list of wishful thinking vacation spots?
P [pauses]: No. That's another list.

One summer afternoon at Border's (his idea), J & I sat down to make our list of the greatest dates ever. I was inspired by one of our favorite romantic comedies "50 First Dates", in which Adam Sandler woos Drew Barrymore with a new romantic gesture every day. Drew's chracter Lucy has a memory disorder where she can't remember anything beyond a day - thus, every outing with Adam's character always involves a "First Date" where they meet and fall in love. The movie showed a montage of each of their first dates and first kisses, with breathtaking backdrops of the Hawaiian beaches, towering Light House, and the sugar cane fields at sunset. The fact that First Dates was pluralized is also a charming oxymoron. Why can't couples in long-term relationships feel like it's their first date over and over again, too? I was determined to prove that the theory of "the first date happens only once" was false.

{Imagine a relationship where everyday is a first date! Photo from MTV}

Our list of dates ranged from local dates to mini road-trip dates, from expensive and grandiose to novel and unique and to cheap and relaxing. I started asking some friends for their input on the best dates they've been on with their significant others. I stole ideas from movies, TV shows, and other couples - it went on the list. With the list continuing to grow, I wanted to give structure and document the process somehow. I've decided to showcase The First Dates Project here on my blog. I look forward to sharing our stories and dates with you and hopefully, you'll fall in love with the project to create your own list, as well.

If you have ideas that you would like to suggest to us - we're open! We'd love to hear your "first dates" idea in the comment section. It might even be our date next weekend!

The Relationship Comfort Zone

2010-08-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

"What should we do tonight?"

At some point in a couple's relationship, it could be after 5 months or even 5 years, this question begins to carry a sense of dread. It's weighted by the knowledge of endless possibilities, yet confined by time, energy, and pure comfortable laziness.

"I don't know... Let's see what's on TV."

You may rationalize with yourself, It's not like we stay in all the time. We're both tired after work and want to relax. Yeah, that's it. We're relaxing; we're still spending time together...especially if we're watching old re-runs of Friends.

It starts off with a night in every now and then. That soon grows to once a week, then every other night. My dear friends, before you realize it, your relationship slides snugly into The Relationship Comfort Zone. While being comfortable can be a good thing and is the natural part of a long-term relationship, you don't want to get too comfortable to the point of laziness. The relationship becomes stagnant, neither of you are really benefiting much from spending time together, and it's boring. A relationship goes through several stages, but it should never ever be boring!

For those of you fans who watched Sex and the City 2, recall the poignant scene where Carrie throws a fit when Big orders in Chinese take-out for the umpteenth time in a row. His feet are propped up on the couch and he's ready for a night of mindless TV. Newlyweds and already resorting to Chinese take-out?! What happened to the New York City glitzy parties and red carpet events? What happened to the days early on in a romance when being "tired" was never thrown out as an excuse? Needless to say, Big was too tired and too comfortable to care at that moment.

{Photo from Celebrity Clothing Line}

If you couldn't guess, in real life, I am Carrie and J is Big.

Throughout our past 7 years of courtship, dating, and living together, we've hit our fair share of "the relationship comfort zone." After the fireworks of the first year, we've constantly gone up and down in our comfort level. In college, J would be so used to coming over my apartment after his basketball games nearly every night. It got to the point where I felt pressured to have dinner ready, versus us going out. I exploded at him one night "I'm not about to be your housewife!" (Little did I know that I would eat my words seven years later).

Living in Los Angeles, we didn't venture out much together. Most of the time, I was cajoling him to leave his grad schoolwork behind to have a nice night out. It's LA! We should be partying on Sunset Blvd every week! Back home in the Bay Area, before moving in together, we only saw each other a couple of times a week. Usually for dinner, though some of those instances would be the movies or bowling with a group - hardly romantic.

P: I feel like we're not even trying. We've gotten way too comfortable. It's like we're stagnant...

J: Why do you make being comfortable sound like a bad thing? It means I'm happy in the relationship and that we have something good.

That was our dilemma. We both had two completely different perspectives on what made the relationship thrive. I live for the challenge and novelty. J likes feeling comfortable.

We were both wary of that dangerous combination. If I submitted more to J's preference, I'd grow restless. If J indulged in my constant need for fun activity, he'd become tired and irritable. And it's not that I don't enjoy a cozy night in, or that J doesn't like to try new things - we just had to find the right balance based on our needs.

How can we keep the excitement fresh in our relationship - so that we're still growing together as a couple and so that J doesn't feel completely drained by it?

Like Carrie, I grew panicked at the thought of living together with J; imagining endless nights of movie rentals, Internet surfing, and home cooked dinners. Now that we've lived together for over a year, I notice some of those behaviors (from both us) starting to creep in. I am fearful that 10 years will go by with us in the exact same siutation. I decide that it's time to take preventative measures.

Real Love Stories

2010-07-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

I like hearing stories from real couples. Whether from friends, parents, acquaintances, or even strangers; I am fascinated to hear about how two loved ones met and the striking events that led them to where they stand today as a couple. What you see is only part of the picture; the context of a couple is defined by what their stories reveal. That's one reason why I was compelled to include our history in the Story of Lipstick on Paper.

In a world dominated by Hollywood's version of love via grandiose and dramatic stories like Twilight, nauseating romantic comedies, or ridiculously contagious reality shows like the The Bachelor , it's hard to remember that real love does not reflect Hollywood. No dramatic music, no dates atop New Zealand or Hawai'i, or having to choose between two immortal lovers (though it is fun to root for Team Jacob).

In real life, the greatest love stories are truly the simple ones that persist and persevere.

Here's a simple and sweet love story shared by Pedro Moran-Palma and Hilda Chacon from New York City. This comes from today's StoryCorps, a great program produced through NPR. Happy Friday and hug someone you love today!

1st Engagement Anniversary

2010-06-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Starting today, J and I have been engaged for one full year! Except this time, we’re not on the warm beaches of Oahu; we’re shuffling back and forth from work to home. It’s not Hawai’i, but our home is still our small oasis from reality.

Throughout our year of living together as fiances, a few discoveries popped up along the way. There are the little ones, such as the fact that J obsesses over an empty kitchen sink, how I can’t eat leftovers more than twice whereas he can have the same meal five days in a row, that I truly enjoy cooking for him, how frequently he hears me burp throughout the day, that J enjoys drinking carrot juice, and how our sleeping patterns are complete opposites. So far his night owl’s habits have been winning as I indulge in his late night TV, web surfing, or online streamed episodes of Naruto.

Then there are the surprising moments of simple joy. When I’m the first to leave for work in the morning, I drop a kiss on his forehead. Instead of the lingering pang that comes because I may not see him for a few days - how I used to feel when we dated in Los Angeles - I am comforted that I’ll see him later that evening. We make it a point to affectionately greet each other at the door when someone comes home. I missed doing that once and J was not happy. I don’t care for naps, whereas J loves them, but I admit that there is something incredibly cozy and serene about falling asleep on the couch together. Especially on a lazy weekend when you sleep to the sounds of the breeze rustling the trees. Or the time when we celebrated our first Christmas at home and created a faux fireplace by hooking the laptop to the TV, the YouTube burning log channel on repeat. With my head resting on his shoulder, I could happily pretend that we were in our own winter retreat in front of a fireplace – even if it was a web version.

I was also surprised at how little we fought. You would think co-habitating immediately spotlights the other person’s every pet peeve imaginable. Actually, it does. Though it helps A LOT when you call the person out on those actions before it becomes a habit. Minor annoyances aside, I can count only 3 or so major fights that occurred. 3 fights:365 days is an incredible relationship ratio.

The fights were memorable and also ridiculous. The first one involved us storming out of a ramen shop we had driven 40 minutes to eat at, only to wind up trying out a new Indian restaurant a couple of hours later. Even angry people get hungry. The second was an insensitive joke that I made while we stood along the windy Golden Gate Bridge for me to take pictures. Apparently, J didn’t find it very funny. Maybe I need to work on my delivery. That photo is now framed in our living room as a teasing reminder. The third fight happened during the holiday season when J came home grouchy from work. I thought he was mad at me, so then I got mad, which made him get mad at me for being mad. You know how that goes.

Whether it’s silly, petty, or small joyful discoveries, truthfully, I’m having fun. Even after dating for 6 years, it’s nice to know that the surprises still keep on coming. Cheers to a wonderful engaged year of random findings, simple moments, and ridiculous fights! I can’t wait to experience more with you, J.

And yes, I’m very happy that you planned out a special date for us to celebrate this occasion.

a final thought on support: The Trust Factor

2010-06-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

J has seen me go through my inspired phases several times. Now that we live together, it’s even more apparent. Here are a few notable things that I have uttered to him within the past few years:

P: I’m going to take Journalism classes and become a freelance writer!

P: Just signed up for Tango lessons. No, no, I wouldn’t worry about my dance partners. Trust me on that one…

P: Babe, I’m going to study abroad in Paris for a month. I need to just get away from it all.

P: I auditioned for a lead role in a short film. I didn’t get it, but I DO have a small role in it. Maybe I should try looking into other film projects...

P: I’m volunteering with a magazine now. I just have to drive to San Francisco every week after work, totally manageable right?

P: I want to try living in San Francisco temporarily. I’ll still commute to San Jose for work though. Of course, we’ll still get to see each other.

P: I’ve decided to train for a half-marathon! I know I’m not a runner, but I want to try. Let’s do it together!

P: I just signed up with NANOWRIMO and am going to write a novel.

P: Wouldn’t it be awesome to have my own business?

Did I forget to mention how incredibly patient J has been with me throughout our 6 years? Seeing all of my spontaneous ideas in one long, laughable list makes me want to give him a hug for tolerating my idiosyncrasies. Let’s just say it is all part of my charm.

Here’s another side of the “support” coin - you don’t always like what your partner decides. Some interests are neutral and likeable - J’s basketball hobby. Other interests, can breed fear and mistrust in your partner – like dancing, joining new organizations, and acting. J, who prefers to stick to his comfort zone, was afraid of my spontaneous interests. Because I’m an outgoing person, several of my hobbies had me out and meeting with other people.

This was how J’s nervously viewed my hobbies:

Pauline constantly has new interests -- J does not share these interests -- Pauline is comfortable going out alone -- constantly meets new people (guys) -- falls in love with someone who shares her interests.

Over half of the listed items were catalysts to fights between J and I. He was upset that I decided on things that could jeopardize our relationship and I was upset that he wasn’t supportive of my happiness. In the end (or out of exasperation), he let me live out my dreams (some short-lived, others did stick around) because he realized that he needed to for my sake. If I felt in anyway “held back”, I would eventually grow bitter and distant; that would surely harm the relationship.

He and I learned to trust in the decisions that we made, which is also a form of support. Despite his fears that I would live in Paris and fall in love with an artsy French man, he had to trust me and allow me to find my own fulfillment. In the end, I enjoyed a wonderful month in Paris with some new friends, and came home to him with a fresh perspective of the world and a renewed desire to travel and share those experiences with him. No artsy French summer fling!

It took a few years for J to understand that I don’t need him to be like me and love what I love. All I need is for him to understand why I love those things and to give me the freedom to pursue those interests – as sporadic as they may be. He learned to see that even though my ideas may sometimes be fleeting, it didn’t mean that it correlated to my feelings towards him or our relationship. 6 years strong with the rest of our lives left to go – I’d say that’s a pretty impressive track record for someone like myself.

Dessy Group: beautiful in blush

2010-06-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

{Photo via: 100 Layer Cake, dress by: The Dessy Group}

How lovely is this photo? While web-browsing, I came across this Dessy bridesmaid gown from the wedding blog 100 Layer Cake and fell in love with the soft tulle, pale blush color, classy elegant feel, and the vintage love seat. It captures my vintage modern wedding theme and palette perfectly! Enjoy.

The Story of Lipstick on Paper

2010-06-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

{Photography by: Vivian Sachs, www.viviansachs.com}

We excitedly received our engagement photos last weekend! My friend Vivian Sachs was our photographer for our photo session in late April; which was taken at Carmel & Pebble Beach. Looking through our photos, I can't help but feel a sense of disbelief on how far we've come as a couple. How far I've come from my single, independent and heartbreaking dating days. As a girl, I always wondered who would be the man I'd one day marry - it's still a trip for me to realize that I finally have my answer. How did I ever get here? What did I do to deserve this profound happiness? And what lies ahead for me in the next few years?

Last weekend, I took a brief overnight trip to Monterey - just me on a solo retreat. While meandering through the streets and walking along the pier, I wanted my life in the past couple of years to just slowly sink in. I wanted to have a better sense of how I will approach the future years. I wanted to also figure out the direction of my writing, especially with this blog: Lipstick on Paper. Contemplating about that took me back across the spectrum of my past relationships and struggles, all somehow working out in the end and leading me to this milestone year. Enjoy reading the Story of Lipstick on Paper - this is dedicated to J & our optimistic future together.

P.S. Happy Anniversary, babe. 6 years and 7 months strong.

Supporting Differences

2010-06-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

How do you show support for different interests in a relationship?

There's a simple equation to follow when you are confronted with your partner's hobby or passion that isn't quite your cup of tea. Take my fiance J, for example:

J loves basketball. And I love J. Therefore, I must at least like basketball.

Or tolerate it, respect it, support it.

I’m not advocating that we should all conform ourselves to the likeness of our partners. Shared interests should come from a genuine place, not a forced one. All of our friends and family know how different J & I are from each other. J is the athlete, the practical, pragmatic, and simple one. Whereas, I am drastically the opposite – the dreamer, the dramatic, and impulsive one. Our differences balance each other and our relationship thrives on it!

What I’m proposing is that in order to fully appreciate and accept our relationship’s differences, there is a need to support what makes the other person happy – even if it’s one that we don’t share. It’s about supporting our partner’s happiness because that happiness is intricately to our own and eventually, the well being of the overall relationship.

This relationship cause & effect prove my point:

J loves basketball > Pauline loves J > supports J in basketball > J is happy playing basketball > J comes home happy and decides to take Pauline out on a date > Pauline loves spontaneous dates > Pauline is VERY HAPPY.

Much of my Sunday evenings for the past couple of months were spent attending J’s basketball league games. Even though I could have spent that time working on other projects (my weekend time is precious time), I wanted to truly show my support for J. That simple act was really enough for him, especially when there were only a couple of other girlfriends who came consistently. While my knowledge of basketball is limited to just “putting the ball through the basket”, I’m there to whoop and holler on that bench to show my man that I’m cheering him on! Sure, I also yell embarrassing things like “GOoooo Sexy #6!”, though inside he feels the love and support anyway.

J (#6) about to do a throw down

What are your partner’s interests that mystify you, but you support anyway?

The Support Dissonance

2010-05-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

What does support look like in a relationship? Do men and women show support for each other differently? Which is more important - emotional support or visible support? The answer is: It depends, yes, and both.

Being in a relationship for over 6 years has helped me figure out what type of support is needed for various situations. I find myself needing more emotional support than he does, such as encouragement when I'm distressed (argument with mom for the billionth time), probing questions to help me understand a complex situation (why do I feel guilty for leaving the teaching profession?), and just the optimistic voice of reason when all seems lost (J: Of course, one day you'll figure out your life's career path. Now how about we get some ice cream?).

J, on the other hand, requires less emotional support. His need for support comes in the form of space and nonverbal agreement, such as giving him time to watch mindless basketball and TV after a rough day at Walgreens (he works as a pharmacist, which surprisingly, is a lot more stressful than people realize), nodding in agreement as he mouths off about some jerk he encountered that day, and NOT trying to engage in a heart to heart when he's feeling down and upset (J: Babe, I just need to go to the gym right now, ok?).

The funny thing is that it took us nearly 6 years to figure all of this out. In the past, arguments have spurred from the simple matter of not understanding the other person's type of support. When I was upset, he would assume I needed space because that was how he dealt with those emotions. I took that as a sign of him not caring because when he was upset, I would smother him with trying to talk, talk, talk. Because that's what I like to do when I need support - blab my worries into oblivion.

The take home message is that not everybody needs support in the same way. And if your partner doesn't give you what you need, it's not because he/she doesn't care (hopefully that's not the case), it's because he hasn't yet figured out what you need and how to show it. And that takes lots of communication, lots of time, and lots of trial and error. People tend to give support in the way they would like to receive it. Unfortunately, that's where a lot of the problem stems from. We begin to assume that's what the other person wants.

Try to figure out what type of support your partner needs and actually try to give it, especially when it's different from your own. I promise it's harder than it sounds, but also all the more rewarding.

the burn

2010-04-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

Last night, a seemingly innocent comment led to a blown out argument between J & I. What to do with such rage? We hit the nearby 24 Hour Fitness and parted ways curtly. J headed to the weights and I made a beeline to the cardio machines, my iPod on full blast.

Within that next hour, I proceeded to run and bike at my most intense speed yet in this entire month. Apparently, anger can do a body good - sometimes. In this case, it was 386 calories worth!

During our awkward drive home, I broke the stony silence first.

P: Thank you for yelling at me.

J: Um... why?

P: Well...I burned more calories because of it!
J: Well...that's good for YOU, not so good for the relationship.

What kind of horrible person actually benefits from fighting with her significant other? Who has the nerve to silently pat herself on the back after causing her fiance grief and frustration?

Guilty as charged.

Catalog Inspiration

2010-04-13T01:48:00.000-07:00

I'm drawing inspiration for my engagement photo session from two retailer catalogs - both with beautiful, stylish, and romantic aesthetics. So European, urban, yet soft and chic.

J.Crew

Vintage and modern J.Crew's Passport to Portugal photo shoot in Lisbon. I love the mix of old world architecture with vintage, yet cool attire.

Photos from: J.Crew Passport to Portugal

Anthropologie

Photos of real couples for the August 2009 catalog in Paris. Romantic, sweet, and slightly playful. I love all things Paris.

Photos reposted from the Anthropologie Addict.

Our lovely engagement photo shoot session will be with the talented Vivian Sachs in a few weeks! I'm curious to read what other people find as sources of photo inspiration - which retailer best defines your style?

Dates

2010-04-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not talking about going out dates or romantic dates. I mean month, day, year dates of significant milestone moments in a relationship. Imagine how many dates you struggle to remember as your relationship progresses over the years! While a good sign of your longevity as a couple, it can cause minor stress or pressure to have it all committed to memory.

Take for example, my latest conversation a few days ago with J, my fiance.

I had just finished reading an article in Redbook Magazine (January 2010 issue) called "Your favorite day of the year" in which women celebrated different special moments in their lives, from surviving cancer, watching the sunset everyday, to when friendships were formed. Walking home from the lightrail station, I thought about how special it would be for J & I to celebrate our engagement every year. We were engaged last summer in Hawai'i, so I envisioned traditional yearly dinners to the nearby Hukilau or Roy's or - why not? - even the occasional trip back to Oahu! What better way to relive one of the happiest, memorable, and surreal moments in our relationship?

I told John my idea and, not surprisingly, he responded enthusiastically.

Me: So, do you remember which day we got engaged?

J: Yeah, in June.

Me: Yes, but do you remember the DATE?

J: Um. The day Michael Jackson died? (this is awful, but true)
Me: Yes, but do you know the DATE?
J: No... I don't remember. (wrong answer)
Me: JUNE 25th! How could you not know? It's even posted on my Facebook profile picture of us... How could you NOT ....

That conversation alone made me realize how tough it is to remember other relationship moments. The most important date that we make sure to celebrate every year is, of course, the date that we made "us" official: November 7th. I'm sure, he won't forget June 25th again after our last conversation. Got our first house on July 8th and moved in officially on August 1st. And the day that we get married will also be another huge date to celebrate. And on & on.

It makes me wonder if married couples still think about the day they first got together, or their entire relationship becomes defined from the years they've been married. That's a lot of history with J that I can't just shake off. Part of why I'm so big on celebrations and reminiscing is that it helps keeps the memory vivid - a comforting reminder that it really did happen and a milestone to mark how far we've come as a couple. So even though the list won't likely ever end, it's more important to me that we try to remember those significant dates over overrated holidays like Valentine's Day.

And why should the celebrating stop? Those occasions are a nice reason to dine out, travel, and indulge in ourselves. Hopefully, a Hawaiian engagement celebration is in the works to become a yearly tradition. (J, I'm looking forward to next year's June 25th!).

new style

2010-03-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

I decided to transfer Lipstick on Paper to Blogger for a few reasons:

- Grew tired of the Wordpress platform (plus I was running out of photo space and am too cheap to pay for an upgrade)
- Needed a more focused topic to blog about
- A new theme and topic deserves a new look

As much as I have enjoyed blogging about random topics in the past year - from travels, to fitness, to milestones, and relationship musing, I wanted to give certain topics its fair share of attention and space. For travels, food, and photography, you can refer to my tumblr blog, The Traveling Spoon.

That left Lipstick on Paper, a hodgepodge of ideas and experiences, ready to form its own identity. I started blogging mainly as a way to craft my writing and to turn my life experiences into amusing anecdotes. I also figured it would be good practice for my "someday" dream of writing for a fabulous women's lifestyle magazine.

After some deliberation, sporadic job searches on Conde Nast's website, and watching way too many episodes of Sex and the City, I came to terms with the fact that having my own column for a New York City magazine will not likely happen... at least anytime soon.

However, I still have my blog. Not only is it free, but I can write about whatever I want and can shape it into my own fabulous column. So here I go...

Welcome to the new version of Lipstick on Paper.